Is this PTSD?
I really don't know how far I will get with this post. I am scared to talk about things because I find myself with high anxiety. I worry that I will panic and lose control. But I can't stop feeling compelled to share my stories. I just need someone who won't judge me to listen. Someone who won't minimize my feelings and tell me to relax and that everything will be okay. I need to vent...as much as my brain will allow.
Backstory:
My mom, who is my entire world has had significant health issues for quite some time. I remember her being in the hospital multiple times when I was a kid for pneumonia. She was a CNA for 25 years and she dedicated her life to taking care of others, including my dad and myself. In 1995, I remember her not being able to work anymore and she filed for Disability. She went to a Pulmonologist who did testing and diagnosed her with COPD which I knew nothing about. I knew that she was evaluated but she just told me that she had to be on oxygen. That's my mom though, she never wants me to worry about her and she always downplays her feelings so that I won't be scared.
Fast forward to 2002 when she was hospitalized with acute respiratory failure. Her oxygen saturations got down into the 50s before they sent her to a bigger hospital. She was on a ventilator for two weeks before they had to do a tracheostomy on her. I was told that she would never get off that ventilator without it because her upper airway was collapsed. I had to make the decision for her for that surgery because she was unable to herself. A week later she was off the ventilator and was recovering. We adjusted to the new normal and she was sent home. I became her caregiver.
In 2011, my whole world was turned upside down when my father died. He passed suddenly from a massive heart attack. From the year 2004 to 2011, I was in an abusive relationship...both mentally and physically.
In 2012, my mom got sick again. She was dealing with high Co2 levels and was hospitalized and placed on a BiPap machine. She got better, but was back in the hospital where she was dealing with a new monster: Sepsis. By the time they transferred her to a bigger hospital she was in Septic Shock. She had a large kidney stone blocking her ureter and she got septic from it. And then a few months later she became septic again.
Wow, this is harder then I thought.
Backstory:
My mom, who is my entire world has had significant health issues for quite some time. I remember her being in the hospital multiple times when I was a kid for pneumonia. She was a CNA for 25 years and she dedicated her life to taking care of others, including my dad and myself. In 1995, I remember her not being able to work anymore and she filed for Disability. She went to a Pulmonologist who did testing and diagnosed her with COPD which I knew nothing about. I knew that she was evaluated but she just told me that she had to be on oxygen. That's my mom though, she never wants me to worry about her and she always downplays her feelings so that I won't be scared.
Fast forward to 2002 when she was hospitalized with acute respiratory failure. Her oxygen saturations got down into the 50s before they sent her to a bigger hospital. She was on a ventilator for two weeks before they had to do a tracheostomy on her. I was told that she would never get off that ventilator without it because her upper airway was collapsed. I had to make the decision for her for that surgery because she was unable to herself. A week later she was off the ventilator and was recovering. We adjusted to the new normal and she was sent home. I became her caregiver.
In 2011, my whole world was turned upside down when my father died. He passed suddenly from a massive heart attack. From the year 2004 to 2011, I was in an abusive relationship...both mentally and physically.
In 2012, my mom got sick again. She was dealing with high Co2 levels and was hospitalized and placed on a BiPap machine. She got better, but was back in the hospital where she was dealing with a new monster: Sepsis. By the time they transferred her to a bigger hospital she was in Septic Shock. She had a large kidney stone blocking her ureter and she got septic from it. And then a few months later she became septic again.
Wow, this is harder then I thought.
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